Inner Thought

What I Know about Losing A Lover (Again)

There are so many things that people who have lost love knew. They knew that part of their soul have been gone to the alterside, a doorstep that very close yet far away. They knew about the wheel that keep spinning, and their direction has never been the same again since that day. They knew that the movie has end, but had they go home so soon, they will find empty bed and cold cake, untouched. So they would read the closing credits running on the big cinema screen just to buy more time. 

I know about losing. The dense air that pollute my lungs when I try hard to breath normally. Your familiar scent that brought back thousand ships of good memories. Every street and corner, places to exchange stories. Dreams that we build by stones and sweat. Songs that keep repeating the revery. Friends that keep wondering what’s going on with our story.

But it will go away.

People who have lost understand. That a mutual decision is not supposed to hurt. It meant to save each lover, encourage them, bringing the best in them. Sometimes it comes with the sweet pink ribbon package to set their lover free.

Why did I set you free? (Or you set me free). Maybe because we were just two adults who happened to stumbled upon each other pathway. We get along with great things in between.We made each other better, without demanding too much. You and I didn’t fit with all “against the wold” teenager crap, because we are – of course – belong to those bigheaded grown ups who want to make the world a better place.

But it eventually go away.

What people who have lost love learn, is that they once or twice love someone that much. It feel like they won’t make it a day more without their significant others. It feel like when there is a possibility that their precious is being taken away from them, it will ripped out their soul, body, and mind so cruel they might die painfully. But then it occured. And guess what, they don’t die.

I think I would suffer some terribly grey and cloudy days ahead when we part in that coffee shop downtown. I think I will weep the ocean dry. I think I will write sad stories, then play sad song, and eat sad ice cream with sad thick topping, while walking on the sad shoes, waving to sad cab that driving along the sad street. I didn’t.

It has gone away.

Truth is I forget how does it feel to be really sad. You built me brick and brick strong and sound. Truth is I slowly forget how does it feel to love you melancholically. Because I managed to wash the feeling away for good. But as cold as I become, remember that just because I don’t feel it anymore doesn’t mean the feeling once shared wasn’t true. It just is no longer relevant anymore, not if we mutually decided to move on to the next phase of life without each other companion.

And, just like other people who have lost love, someday we will find another lover. Someday I will find a person who makes me feel weird, person who doesn’t mind me being weird. And we will go in each other side to the weird place, wearing weird clothes, doing weird hobbies, reading weird books, talking weird languages, and admit how in each other company we feel the completely normal. That lover will be the reason of my simple happiness. Like never before.

.

.

.

But I’m afraid it will go away. Again.

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Inner Thought

Dua Puluh Empat

Bilangan yang monumental karena tanpanya sehari tak genap. Dua tahun tak lengkap. Dan kalau bukan karena dipaksa usia, cerita tentang keberadaan rumah lama ini makin menguap.

Tapi ya, saat ini di sinilah saya, berbenah lagi. Pulang lagi ke Yogyakarta, ke kebiasaan lama, ke kanal-kanal maya yang dengan sengaja terabaikan. Berusaha keras menggapai-gapai kilasan kejadian yang walau tidak terlupakan, menjadi tidak lagi mampu terkatakan. Benar kata seorang guru, menulislah di kala terpana. Sebab jika sudah hilang rasanya, hilang juga gairah dan letupan-letupan pada tulisan itu. Lalu rohnya gentayangan menghantui saya, mengapa gagal kisanak mencatat sejarah?

Dua tahun saya menghukum diri. Menjual jiwa pada hibrida setan dan malaikat bernama Jakarta. Bertaruh sehabis-habisnya, karena saya lebih baik kehilangan daripada tidak mencoba.

Kebiasaan mengabadikan momen adalah salah satu yang saya lepas dengan merana di meja judi, saya dikutuk tak mengerti rasanya terpana lagi. Duluan mengantuk jika mau menulis lagi, sehingga hilanglah sejarah saya sendiri. Tapi sebagai ganti, saya dapat banyak kawan dan dengannya jadi banyak paham. Saya dapat banyak langkah, amunisi, dan strategi agar tidak bangkrut-bangkrut amat nanti ketika berjudi lagi dengan makhluk hibrida lainnya.

Saya mendapati bagian diri saya yang perlu ditemukan.

Dan di bilangan dua puluh empat juga, nanti ketika musim gugur tiba di belahan bumi sebelah utara, saya memutuskan untuk melakukannya lagi. Menjual jiwa raga pada hibrida lain yang kabarnya sangat pintar bersandiwara. Konon, New York namanya.

 

Pantai Indrayanti, 23 April 2016

 

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Inner Thought

Short Rendezvous

I’d love to talk to you about many things.

About clouds that disappear in the summer. Smell of the wet land after the first November rain. Trees you planted on your childhood backyard. Music that ripped out my chest. Bones you have broken to win. My everlasting fear. Your latent anger. Lies we made. Innocence we left. Sciences and theology. Politics and psychology. Imaginary friends. Box of precious goods. Complex labyrinth. Lust and jealousy. Madness and Forgiveness. Every pictures. Every words. Everything.

But in this short rendezvous, between our little muse, our fight, our redemption, let me talk to you about this: I love that I don’t need to pretend that you love me that much.

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Indonesia, Inner Thought

Catatan Perjalanan: Nusa Tenggara Timur dan Laut yang Tidak Tenang

IMG_4867.JPGKita tidak pernah memerintahkan laut untuk tenang. Kita pun tidak menyulut angin agar gelombang pasang.

Laut adalah rentang luas yang mendikte nasib-nasib kapal di pelabuhan: nasib-nasib kita.

Dan terhadap nasib, jika sudah habis segala daya, kita tinggal berdoa.

Kamis sore, dalam jeda perjalanan ke Bima, saya dan seorang laki-laki rekan seperjalanan -sebut saja DS- memutuskan untuk menyeberang ke Flores. Tanpa rencana yang benar-benar terencana, kami semacam bertaruh kepada nasib baik. Ya, cukup baik untuk mengantar kami menjajaki Rinca, Pulau Komodo, Pink Beach, Pulau Kelor, dan kembali lagi ke Labuan Bajo lalu ke Bima…

…sebelum laut memutuskan untuk pasang, hingga tak ada kapal yang berlayar ke sana.

Dua hari dua malam itu, yang bisa saya lakukan hanya bolak-balik pelabuhan dan motel Pelangi (yang sangat seadanya). DS pergi duluan untuk urusan lain yang harus diselesaikan. Saya tinggal sendiri, traveler perempuan sok kuat yang padahal sedang panas dingin terserang demam di pulau asing. Dengan satu ponsel rusak dan satu ponsel pinjaman  yang hanya bisa menangkap sinyal sebatang.

 

Hampir frustasi saya lihat jam tangan yang berjalan begitu lambat. Saya menunggu, sambil berkenalan dengan orang-orang di pelabuhan yang sama-sama menanti pengumuman dari Syahbandar tentang kapan kapal akan berangkat. Saya ikut ngobrol di warung kopi, memesan kopi Flores sambil ngobrol dengan abang-abang yang minta maaf karena menyalakan rokok di depan saya. Mengamati orang-orang yang sama gelisahnya karena barang dagangan pun tertahan, atau sanak saudara sudah menunggu di Sape yang letaknya di Nusa Tenggara Barat sana.

Kali itu saya meraasakan kesendirian yang begitu menguras, namun sekaligus menguatkan.

Tut.. tut… tut…

Setiap sirine dari pelabuhan adalah harapan. Saya dan belasan penumpang lain yang tertahan di sini, setiap jam, setiap menit, setiap detik kami diliputi rasa cemas.

Tapi kita tidak memerintahkan laut, bukan?

Ketika bergabung bersama NGO yang menugaskan saya ini, saya sudah sering mendengar cerita kunjungan tugas yang penuh aral melintang. Karenanya, jauh-jauh hari pun saya sudah siap, apalagi kali ini adalah jadwal agenda pribadi yang kebetulan dijejer dengan lokasi tugas.

Lucu terkadang, betapa di NGO ini kami dilatih hampir militan, sehingga situasi seperti ini sudah jadi seperti camilan bagi para senior site-visitor.

Tapi saya baru belajar…

Belajar merencanakan perjalanan, belajar mengambil keputusan, belajar menjalankan, lebih-lebih lagi belajar menyesuaikan. Misalnya rencana-rencana yang harus direlakan karena kita tidak memerintahkan laut.

Karena, saya hanya bisa bertahan sendiri di tengah ketidakpastian jadwal kapal. Karena, sebagaimana inginnya saya untuk sampai ke tujuan, kapal tidak bisa datang tepat waktu.

Dan memang selalu begitu, dalam hidup selalu ada sesuatu yang kau inginkan justru dalam momen ketidakpastian. Apa lagi yang bisa kau lakukan selain menunggu dan menyelipkan doa agar kapal datang?

Ah, lama-lama saya jadi tidak tahu sedang menulis tentang kapal atau tentang Anda.

Tipis bedanya.

 

Labuan Bajo, 26 Januari 2015

Disalin dari coret-coretan selembar kertas bekas fasilitasi, di dermaga pelabuhan yang panas dan tanpa hiburan.

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Inner Thought

21.

 

It’s day +2 after my birthday, hour +3 after my thesis proposal seminar, hour-4 before orchestra practice. I am sitting in Seraffin coffee shop on the north part of Tugu Jogja, sipping the thick avocado ice blend in this daydreaming atmosphere, with Nitha, one of my besties. Each of us typing on our own laptop and nodding once the music hits the tune we recognized.

Still in formal suits from campus, I breath a while before continuing work on laptop, take off my wet black flatshoes, randomly grab Lauren Oliver “Before I Fall” and almost really fall..asleep while Landon Pigg fall in love in the coffee shop. Then, before I really fall, I touch the piano on the corner of the room. Wish someone sit there and play Yiruma.

I memorize Ika Natassa once said, “delusion is not harmful in themselves, they only hurt when one is alone in believing them.” There’s not enough energy today for being delusional, I keep reminding myself. There’s only me and this chick struggling for life (read: thesis) right here right now. Nevertheless, the absence of that someone or anyone else at the end becomes something we gratefully  celebrate.

For what it’s worth we swore we love coffee shop in the afternoon. This big Paris-look-alike room is for our own, that’s why.

And for what it’s worth, I swear I love the new age that comes to me right now, I’m keeping my track to grow.

Nitha sipped her caramel latte. Rolling her green long sleves half-armed. A beep-lamp on her phone and the typical smile she show for the cold monitor gave me the idea who she texted with. As confirmation, she yelled out loud,

“Somebody wants you to teach him, how to move on THAT fast?”

“Simple,” I roll my eyes. “Totality! When i love, I totally do. When I leave, I totally am.”

“Why can’t only loving,” she held the words for a while, “without leaving?”

“Here I give you an analogy. I am not hungry when I got here, therefore I didn’t order any pastry even I heard they made the best in town. I also aware myself already got too much caffeine last night therefore I didn’t order latte like yours. Only this avocado blend with, okay, a little caffeine. And it’s cool. It suits my condition the most.”

She blinked, “So your point is?”

“We make the option! Come’on! Focus on our own life! Compare stay with the scars, I prefer loving myself more. I chose to be happy, with or without him.”

My best friend laughed.

“This person asked one more time, oh I start to feel exhausted of being moderator,” she slammed her body to the flowery sofa. “What if my definition of happiness is by letting the other happiness upon my own?”

“Well, that sounds like a pseudo-happiness. Good luck, mate!”

Then I let her continuing the chat with no intention to interupt, you know, that smirky smile.

Happiness. For me it’s a state of mind. It’s how we focus to preserve what we have rather than what we don’t.

Someone said, sometimes we need to start the pray with ‘thank you’ instead of ‘please’.

So here,

For the midnight surprise. For the cake, candles, and lovely message that left when i open the door in the morning. For the mother kiss on the forehead. For the birthday song and sudden gift in office briefing. For the catchy hand-sketch (OMG this is great, wait until you see it). For the kind accompanion in the hospital queue. For the me time I took on the reflexology, for the rain, for the rice field with golden paddy. For the texts. For the mentions. For the hashtag. For the virtual cake. For the video. For the blogpost. For the night call. For the voicenote. For the package. For the letter.

I thank you very much for all the wishes.

Oh yeah, and for the domain!!! Now I posses my own dot com! The home of the world born at the same day with the owner. Eureka!!!! 😀

Seeing this flooding attentions, I believe I am not delusional in love or being loved. At least, not alone. Hahah.

Age is just a number. Our people is what matter.

I’m not expecting to be forever 21. However, having Forever 21 branch Store here in Jogja city would be nice, thou! Sincerely waiting. 😛

 

 

here are the bloody masterpieces!!!!! bloody thank youuuuu, people!!!!!!

GMCOHanifwhiteboard agensi Deri Pandu Hawwin  evan    kop jurusan dhimbay megan nitha Pandu  Vidya Andin andredhimbayGitashofi awanis

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Inner Thought

Perempuan dan Wanita

 

“Diciptakan alam pria dan wanita
dua makhluk dalam asuhan dewata
Ditakdirkan bahwa pria berkuasa
adapun wanita lemah lembut manja

Wanita dijajah pria sejak dulu
dijadikan perhiasan sangkar madu
namun ada kala pria tak berdaya
tekuk lutut di sudut kerling wanita” – (White Shoes Company, Sabda Alam.)

Ketika Ismail Marzuki menciptakan lirik lagu ini, tentunya ada alasan sendiri kenapa wanita yang dijajah pria sejak dulu.

Banyak yg blm tahu. Kata wanita dlm etimologi Jawa itu berasal dari ‘wani ditoto’ alias berani diatur. Menurut Old Javanese-English Dictionary (Zoetmulder, 1982), kata wanita berarti ‘yang diinginkan’.

Dari sudut pandang feminis, tentu saja pelabelan ‘wanita’ ini adalah jejak-jejak peninggalan kultur patriarki yang tertinggal dalam tatanan bahasa Indonesia. Wanita jadi diukur lewat seberapa besar tingkat kesetiaannya kepada lawan jenisnya.

Walaupun ternyata KBBI kita pun berpihak kepada wanita sebagai ameliorasi dari perempuan:

pe.rem.pu.an [n] (1) orang (manusia) yg mempunyai puki, dapat menstruasi, hamil, melahirkan anak, dan menyusui; wanita; (2) istri; bini: — nya sedang hamil; (3) betina (khusus untuk hewan).

 

wa.ni.ta [n] perempuan dewasa: kaum — , kaum putri (dewasa)

Perempuan diasosiasikan tanpa nilai, sementara wanita lebih mengarah kepada kedewasaan. Terang saja karena definisi dewasa di sini adalah sebuah pengabdian yang tersirat. Karena itu wanita dinilai tinggi ketika bisa mengabdi sehingga diinginkan oleh lelaki. Kesetiaan jadi lebih baik dari kemandirian.

Ternyata nilai wanita yang lebih tinggi dalam bahasa Indonesia ini menurut Ben Anderson (1966) adalah karena bahasa Indonesia mengalami “jawanisasi” atau “kramanisasi”: kulitnya saja bahasa Melayu yang egaliter, tapi rohnya bahasa Jawa yang feodal.

Sementara itu, arti kata perempuan dari bahasa asalnya, Sansekerta, sangat berbeda dengan apa yang ada di KBBI. Perempuan berasal dari kata per-empu-an. Per itu berarti makhluk, Empu berasal dari kata Sansekerta yang berarti mulia, berilmu tinggi, pembuat suatu karya agung. Leluhur bangsa ini pun sudah memberikan makna dalam kata perempuan sebagai bentuk penghormatan tinggi kepada kaum wanita (yang katanya dijajah pria ini).

Terminologi linguistik ini saya kumpulkan dari berbagai sumber. Sebenarnya mau memakai kata wanita dan perempuan sangat tergantung pengertian dan maksud. Dan lebih penting lagi, bagaimana seseorang bersikap atas seberapa siap dia merepresentasikan wanita atau perempuan. Keduanya tidak salah, memang beginilah adanya situasi gender yang ada di negara kita, historikal. Bukan karena satu kata lebih tinggi dari yang lain maka kata komparasinya tersebut jadi tabu.

Qaris Tajudin dalam Majalah Tempo pun pernah berkata, “Membuang sebuah kata yang tercemar (bukan yang aslinya buruk) bukanlah solusi untuk membuang pandangan salah yang ada di masyarakat.”

Hanya saja, menurut saya, sebagai orang berpendidikan akan lebih baik jika tahu sehingga lebih bijak dalam menggunakan terminologi. Karena orang berpendidikan, seperti kata Pramoedya Ananta Toer, sudah berlaku adil sejak dalam pikiran.

Saya cuma mau dipanggil wanita oleh orang-orang yang memang kepada mereka saya menyerahkan kuasa. Mereka yang saya pilih untuk menjadi mengabdikan hidup saya yang merdeka. Tuhan saya, Nabi saya, Ayah saya, dan suami saya nanti. Karena pada hakikatnya memang saya ingin mengabdi karena saya memilih, bukan karena tidak punya pilihan lain. Saat ini saya masih ingin dipanggil perempuan. Namun kali nanti saya jadi wanita, saya ingin jadi wanita yang merdeka, yang mulia, berilmu tinggi, dan berkarya seperti Empu dalam perempuan. Tidak hanya dijadikan perhiasan sangkar madu, karena ternyata Sabda Alam tidak bertitah tentang penjajahan melulu.

Selamat Hari Kartini! Semoga sejak hari ini, antara perempuan dan wanita, kita tahu bedanya.

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Inner Thought

Someday When I’m Being A Mother

Someday when I’m being a mother I’d tell my kids I love them already even since my age was twenty.

I’ll tell them how I picked up the stunning name like ‘Oxygen’ but then managed not to give them because it’ll be weird for them in science class, finding out their name in periodic table. But even if they prefer to be an artist instead of scientist, that would be okay. I’ll navigate their talents, push their confidence up, and fly them to people. They are free but not limitless. Beauty but not priceless. I’ll work with them to grow an early responsibility, a sense of identity. So that I know the name I gave once upon a time would entitled like an eternal wish.

 

Someday when my kids get scared of spider, I won’t rid it away. They need to know how to pass fears alone by let them know I’m here to stay.

By time they will understand, there’s nothing bigger than my fear of losing them. I’ll try to deal myself by stop imagining something torturing them while it is not. But let fears be a friend, it just a gentle reminder how we have precious thing to protect. I’ll cry behind the wall but in case they just find out, I will grab their head over my chest, so that they can hear every single of my heart beat belongs to them. I’ll get sick, but sick is never felt that good noticing they are around. I’ll get weak, but would never been that strong watch them survive.

Someday when my kids leave by angry, I’d be the first shelter they find back when the street gets lonely.

A super cool gigs concert will be held in the middle of nowhere and they ask for permission but I say no. A new gadget will released, they’ll say it’s a need, but I’ll say it’s not indeed. Someday they will mock me on their Twitter and I don’t read, but I’ll know they start to hate me when they refuse to eat breakfast I cooked since 5 am.

It’ll turn further when they start to go to school by a stylish outfit and make over, and refuse to be kissed in front of their colleagues. That would be okay, I’ll kiss them in goodnight sleep. But I’ll demand them to pray five times a day, to read Quran, to turn off TV volume when adzan. They might find it useless routine for their advanced logic but soon I know their heart would guide them like my heart was.

Someday they would go far from their lover, and I can’t catch them no longer.

They will talk about technology and philosophy. About change they want to make, they want to be. I will keep telling myself that their life is theirs and Igot my part already. I will start walking in the empty house, scanning picture albums, and post them online to grab their attention. Wish that sort of nostalgia could chill us to the bones.

Then I will open their albums and find them with their new lover. In the new house, new furniture, new dresses, and new languages. I will be happy, because I had in that phase. But what if happiness is the only thing that last?

 

These thought are start to scare me out. But before I sleep let me tell you something,

I’ll try not to forget that they are not the only one learning. You and I would still on a journey. When they are growing up and we growing old, we will grow together. When they earning and we are losing, we will try to give and take. When they break the rules, we will find a way how to forgive and forget.

And someday, every-single-day in front of our kids and their kids, I’ll tell them I love you endlessly.

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