Inner Thought

Someday When I’m Being A Mother


Someday when I’m being a mother I’d tell my kids I love them already even since my age was twenty.

I’ll tell them how I picked up the stunning name like ‘Oxygen’ but then managed not to give them because it’ll be weird for them in science class, finding out their name in periodic table. But even if they prefer to be an artist instead of scientist, that would be okay. I’ll navigate their talents, push their confidence up, and fly them to people. They are free but not limitless. Beauty but not priceless. I’ll work with them to grow an early responsibility, a sense of identity. So that I know the name I gave once upon a time would entitled like an eternal wish.

 

Someday when my kids get scared of spider, I won’t rid it away. They need to know how to pass fears alone by let them know I’m here to stay.

By time they will understand, there’s nothing bigger than my fear of losing them. I’ll try to deal myself by stop imagining something torturing them while it is not. But let fears be a friend, it just a gentle reminder how we have precious thing to protect. I’ll cry behind the wall but in case they just find out, I will grab their head over my chest, so that they can hear every single of my heart beat belongs to them. I’ll get sick, but sick is never felt that good noticing they are around. I’ll get weak, but would never been that strong watch them survive.

Someday when my kids leave by angry, I’d be the first shelter they find back when the street gets lonely.

A super cool gigs concert will be held in the middle of nowhere and they ask for permission but I say no. A new gadget will released, they’ll say it’s a need, but I’ll say it’s not indeed. Someday they will mock me on their Twitter and I don’t read, but I’ll know they start to hate me when they refuse to eat breakfast I cooked since 5 am.

It’ll turn further when they start to go to school by a stylish outfit and make over, and refuse to be kissed in front of their colleagues. That would be okay, I’ll kiss them in goodnight sleep. But I’ll demand them to pray five times a day, to read Quran, to turn off TV volume when adzan. They might find it useless routine for their advanced logic but soon I know their heart would guide them like my heart was.

Someday they would go far from their lover, and I can’t catch them no longer.

They will talk about technology and philosophy. About change they want to make, they want to be. I will keep telling myself that their life is theirs and Igot my part already. I will start walking in the empty house, scanning picture albums, and post them online to grab their attention. Wish that sort of nostalgia could chill us to the bones.

Then I will open their albums and find them with their new lover. In the new house, new furniture, new dresses, and new languages. I will be happy, because I had in that phase. But what if happiness is the only thing that last?

 

These thought are start to scare me out. But before I sleep let me tell you something,

I’ll try not to forget that they are not the only one learning. You and I would still on a journey. When they are growing up and we growing old, we will grow together. When they earning and we are losing, we will try to give and take. When they break the rules, we will find a way how to forgive and forget.

And someday, every-single-day in front of our kids and their kids, I’ll tell them I love you endlessly.

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